Small Habits to Improve Your Relationship

How are small habits tied to building and maintaining trust in a relationship?

Establishing and maintaining small habits in a relationship allow us to show our partners who we are. When our habits are aligned with who we desire to be, we communicate this congruence of self with our partner. Particularly at the start of a relationship when you and your partner are first getting to know each other, it’s important to look for behavioral cues that help determine compatibility. By showing a partner that we are who we say we are, we create a foundation of trust. Consistency in our actions is what enables trust to be maintained.

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What are subtle habits that erode trust in relationships, and why is each one damaging?

• Relying too much on our partners for validation: this can look like fishing for compliments; finding it difficult to make minor decisions; constantly seeking approval; or becoming jealous easily. Not only does this communicate to our partner that we lack self-confidence, but that we believe they aren’t doing enough to be supportive. Furthermore, when our sense of self is dependent on another person’s behaviors, we place an unfair burden on them to continually put our needs before their own.

• Not respecting boundaries: boundaries can be hard to establish and maintain, but they are essential to forming healthy relationships. Clear boundaries communicate that we can find balance between what we give of ourselves and what we expect of another person. When we fail to honor a partner’s boundaries, we jeopardize their faith in us to be mindful of their needs and convey that we don’t trust the rules or limits of the relationship.

• Retreating during conflicts or disagreements: when we avoid conflict in a relationship, we are signaling that we are afraid to communicate openly with our partner and address important issues. Just like muscle tissue tears before it repairs and grows stronger, so too must we move through conflict in order for a relationship to flourish. How we communicate is also important, with research suggesting that the ratio of negative emotional expression to positive emotional expression at the outset of an argument is a strong predictor of whether newlywed couples are likely to remain together.

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What about habits that foster trust in relationships?

Subtle habits that foster trust in a relationship include:

• Regularly checking in with your partner: checking in with your partner on a consistent basis allows them to feel seen and heard in the relationship, fosters open communication, and creates a sense of intimacy.

• Maintaining and encouraging your partner to maintain social connections outside of the relationship: it’s important that you show you trust your partner to engage with others outside of your relationship without feelings of jealousy or envy. Similarly, maintaining your own network of social supports shows that you are committed to growth both within and outside of your relationship, and are not solely dependent on your partner to meet your need for connection.

• Being honest even when it’s hard: showing that you are trustworthy means being honest at all times, even if it means acknowledging behaviors or traits that you are ashamed of.

• Allowing yourself to be vulnerable: one of the most important ways to establish trust in a relationship is by being comfortable with vulnerability. When we give our partners access to our whole selves – the good, the bad, and the ugly – we invite them to do the same, while creating a safe space for authentic connection.

• Regularly expressing gratitude: communicating appreciation within your relationship demonstrates to your partner that their efforts don’t go unnoticed.